The Worst Sundae Ever

Back in the summer of 2006 I was lucky enough to live on the block where a new Cold Stone Creamery was opening. For those of you who have never been to a Cold Stone, stop reading now and get there. For the rest of us, let me tell you about the first time I took Snake to this lovely establishment.

I had just finished a consecutive streak of 13 days of going to Cold Stone and by this point I was a pro at mixing and matching the various flavors with fresh toppings into an explosion of awesome in a waffle bowl. But for any first timer, it can be intimidating when you see the wide selection of choices and the combinations. Snake and I enter at 9pm on a hot summer night:

Oak--Now take your time when you order.
Snake--What? Why?
Oak--There's a lot of possible combinations. Choose wisely.
Snake--I practically grew up at Friendly's. Watch and learn.

I move through the line and order one of my go-to creations, "Peanut Butter Cup Perfection." I pay the 4 bucks and wait outside for Snake. He walks out a minute later with a horrified look on his face as he takes the spoon out of his mouth.

Oak--What happened?
Snake--I panicked!!!

I look closer at the bowl of ice cream in his hands and realize he has just ordered THE WORST SUNDAE OF ALL TIME. The ingredients: Mango ice cream, peanuts, caramel, graham cracker, and cookie dough. And because it's from Cold Stone, all these things are mashed together in the bowl. Take a minute to picture this or taste these things in your mind.

Awful I know. And to make matters worse, he got overcharged for it:

Snake--How much was yours?
Oak--4.25. How much was yours?
Snake--9.14. Fuck!!!

At this point a small crowd begins to gather on the corner because I can't breathe. I am laughing so hard and in tears from this mango disaster that people have taken notice and think something is wrong. Snake takes his ice cream back into the store to get his 5 bucks back. By the time he comes back I'm done and already on the phone with Yosh:

Oak--.....Yeah dude! With MANGO ICE CREAM!

The moral of this story is you need to be prepared when you go to Cold Stone. It's a magical place where all your wishes can come true if you go in with a plan and execute. Snake was a rookie then. It's taken a few years and there were some bumps along the way but none were as awful as that first night.

THE NIGHT BEFORE (a broskie) CHRISTMAS

....by Clement Clarke Moore, modified by Yosh


'Twas the night before Christmas, a buzz filled the air
Not a creature was stirring, not even Big Bear;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Stickolas soon would be there;
The Broskies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of cheetah-hums danced in their heads;
And Oak in his headband, guitar hero rippin',
had just settled down for a quick late night schnippin',
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
And spotted cream soda, it had to be Crash!
I hustled, Oak bustled, Snake scoffed at the thought
But look as we might, no cases were brought
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer!
With a tall slender driver, so lively and quick,
We knew in a moment it must be St. Stick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Bandits! now, Legends! now, Cougars and Bounce!
On, Red Eye! on Wingman! on Suns and Guns out!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
I saw through the glimmer riding shotgun was Guru,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Stickolas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Stickolas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in denim, from his head to his foot,
And his vans and his bluetooth were all tarnished with soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
a true Bandit captain, leader of the pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his shoulders how wide!
His elbows were swollen, scars covered his side!
He held a picture of Broskie he recently swiped,
Shredding a solo while posing with Pipes;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
The no-talk-rub in action; Snake shares the same quirk!
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Up the chimney he went, he had cougars to close;
He sprang to his sleigh, he and Guru high-fived,
And away they both flew, a tradition revived.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight,
"A Broskie Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.

"Merry Christmas boys. Tremendous, tremendous year. I love you all.-Yosh

The Yellow Jogging Shorts Story

This story was passed on to me by Crash. It happened to a guy he knows, and no, it DID NOT happen to him. He is not the guy! Here's what he told me:

A pediatrician he knows lives on the upper west side and goes for a jog through central park a few days a week before work. One morning last July, it was above 90 degrees early in the morning, so he went out for his jog shirtless, wearing only sneakers and a pair of yellow jogging shorts. He tosses his keys to his doorman on the way out. Also, and I don't know why, he was freeballing it that day. This would later prove to be a costly mistake. You know where this is headed yet?

Anyway, about a mile into his jog he realizes he's having some stomach problems and he needs to find a bathroom. Finally he spots a small bathroom house in the park and darts in. But he was slightly too late, he takes the yellow shorts off and realizes he didn't quite make it. He needs to wash the shorts off.

He heads to the sink and lifts the faucet handle, but nothing comes out......It's the summer and they're conserving water. Realizing he can't put the shorts back on without cleaning them 1st, he steps back into the stall and puts his shorts in the toilet. The problem was that the still water wasn't really getting them clean. He needs to flush the toilet to get some current running through them.

Yes. Wait for it.....Wait for it.....

Picture what happened next.

He flushes the toilet, but the suction is so fast and powerful that the toilet sucks his shorts right out of his hand. SHORTS---GONE.
MAN---NAKED EXCEPT FOR SNEAKERS.
LOCATION--MIDDLE OF CENTRAL PARK.
TIME---9AM.

Ok, got that picture? So he takes a few steps out the door of the bathroom house and sees a group of kids on a class trip walking by. He can't even think about making a break for it, so he goes back into the bathroom. He tries to do what he can by covering himself in toilet paper, but it's just not happening. After a few minutes a homeless guy cruises into the bathroom.

Doctor---Hey fella, I'm in a bit of a tight spot here. Can you help me out?
Homeless Guy---(sizes up the situation for a minute).....Give me your shoes.

The doctor gives him his sneakers, the homeless guy tries to put them on but they are a size 9 and the homeless guy is about a 15. The homeless guy ties the sneakers to his cart and hands the doctor a plastic bag. The doc fashions himself a plastic grocery bag loin cloth and exits the bathroom. He finally gets back to his building wearing only a pair of socks and plastic bag.

Doorman----WHAT THE?!!!
Doctor----Don't even fucking ask just open the door!!!

The OB

Meet broskie, or Broski, depending on how you're feeling at the time.

Much more to come on this later...